Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.

   ...3346,3347,3348,3349- DAMN SHEEP I WISH THEY'D DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!!!! *sigh*...3350,3351,3352...

   I am like that one song on your iPod that's five times louder than the rest.

   Poking holes in your friend's condoms; it's all fun and games until your girlfriend ends up pregnant.

   Texting+Facebook=Textbook. So..., I'm studying?

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   Its almost the time of year when I don't have to worry about leaving footprints in the snow when I'm looking through your window at night.

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.

   I just made a milkshake and now all the boys are in my yard..

   Gotta love Ben & Jerry's and their unique ice cream flavors. But their latest flavor, "Schweddy Balls", is leaving a bad taste in some conservative moms' mouths.

   Broke up with my crossed eyed boyfriend.. because he was seeing other people.

   you know when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over??? I feel like THAT all the time...

   It's not a Toomah!!

   hopes those of you who aren't funny are the first do go on saturday.

   There must be a lot of people dumping F/B due to how lame some of these post have become.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all