Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people of Puerto Rico have unfortunately discovered just how much power mother nature has. Yet, there will be those arrogant humans who'll continue to think that we're solely responsible for climate change.

   Keep a prayer on your lips and a pistol on your hips. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

   That will be the last time they let Carrot Top speak at the White House correspondents' dinner.....

   This isn't over. The GOP will unveil its Putincare plan, just as soon as the Trump Administration gets the green light from the Kremlin.

   Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   so, you are what you eat. hmmm That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.

   any girl can be cute with the right amount of makeup

   70 years after WW2, and LeBron James has America rooting for the German. SMH, Congratulations Mavericks......

   Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.

   In bed and feeling all giggly. Hehe, cupcakes and boobies!

   Men age like fine wine, Women age like milk.

   You should always be honest and tell a woman if she's got a mediocre pu$$y. It only makes her try harder next time.

   Think's that American Idol should bring back the "Trap Door" just to make it a little more interesting. \o/

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?

   I hate it when I go to sleep and forget to turn my swagg off.

   It seems this town is full of exhausted plumbers, well that is what I think they are anyway... Their pants are drooping off and their hats are turned sideways.... Take a rest guys

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   If you're always being cheated on in every relationship you get into, then it's clear the problem isn't them. The problem is in your decisions. You're the one picking them.