Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   "Judge me by what I say, not what I do" - the Art of the No Deal.

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities

   I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

   Did you realize that "Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids