Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since

   ALL MEN ARE @SSHOLES ...... Never mind ... He just texted me back .... False alarm ... my bad

   So over Christmas porn, there is only so much elf sex one can watch

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   "Judge me by what I say, not what I do" - the Art of the No Deal.

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities

   I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.