Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes people would wear pants correctly!

   So stick that in your juice box & suck it!!

   Excuse me, have you seen motivation? I seem to have lost all of mine.

   the guy who said women are bad at maths, missed out that they also divide the number of people that the slept with by 3!

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

   the only thing women truely love is making their friends jealous

   I can help you with your despair. You tie the rope and I'll kick the fu*king chair!

   If I owned a charter fishing boat, and I assigned one of the crew to bait customer's fishing poles, would he be called "The Master Baiter?".

   Good God...WHAT'S the problem with telling someone "I'm SO miserable without you it's almost like having you here?" LOL-sheesh! ;)

   ____________is so far in the closet he is finding Christmas presents in Narnia.

   The cops came to my house because I was using the slip and slide and fined me..Officer said "sir you can use the slip and slide but can you please put a bathing suit on"

   on Dragon's Den next week. I've invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat. I think the prophets will go through the f00king roof!

   I never judge a book by it's cover, but I do read the Cliff Notes on some of these Hoes

   Getting into Heaven is easier these days then getting on an airplane.

   When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

   "I'm not saying you're a slut, but you would talk to a garbage can if it were waiving a $5 bill at you!!"

   Some people struggle with their addictions. I embrace them.

   The in-correct use of punctuation, really pisses me off?

   God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.