Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes people would wear pants correctly!

   If I owned a charter fishing boat, and I assigned one of the crew to bait customer's fishing poles, would he be called "The Master Baiter?".

   Good God...WHAT'S the problem with telling someone "I'm SO miserable without you it's almost like having you here?" LOL-sheesh! ;)

   ____________is so far in the closet he is finding Christmas presents in Narnia.

   The cops came to my house because I was using the slip and slide and fined me..Officer said "sir you can use the slip and slide but can you please put a bathing suit on"

   on Dragon's Den next week. I've invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat. I think the prophets will go through the f00king roof!

   I never judge a book by it's cover, but I do read the Cliff Notes on some of these Hoes

   the only thing women truely love is making their friends jealous

   I can help you with your despair. You tie the rope and I'll kick the fu*king chair!

   "Back in my day we never went to school, the Indians taught us!"

   She goes down more than a submarine commander.

   T.S.A. pat downs on children are a direct violation of their civil puberties

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.

   Life gives guys a lot of lemons, but life gives girls a set of melons.

   The in-correct use of punctuation, really pisses me off?

   God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

   My wife just came in to tell me about something that happened at work today and I asked her to hold on for a second as I grabbed a can of listening juice...I might need two.

   3 Lions looking like 11 helpless kittens..... : /

   Getting into Heaven is easier these days then getting on an airplane.

   When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.