Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   Cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who the fock am I kidding....I'm watching ESPN and having a beer(s)

   Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

   We have just enough Religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

   And then it hit me... For years we have had the "#2", "drop a deuce", "talk to a man about a dog" and "drop the kids off at the pool"... Now I proudly introduce... "Hey guys, brb... I gotta go bury a Bin Laden."

   if I can't be skinny....then please make all my friends fat!!

   when I die at my funeral I want to be dressed like I was when I was born , butt naked !!! open bar for the lads , open coffin for the ladies !!

   battery operated boyfriend is the best man I ever known! does what I tell him and hums while he does it

   things could be worse ya know....Sex COULD be fattening!

   I'm like a rubix cube the more you play with me the harder I get!!

   If I didnt have to pay any taxes id be rich too.

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........

   What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree, but you can climate.

   "by himself, but not alone. "

   the reason therapists have to get therapy

   wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.

   wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material