Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   I'll have a PB&J ... Hold the "P" and the "&"

   Ya know what Lance Armstrong and I have in common? We both woke up this morning with the same amount of Tour de france medals!!

   Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee.

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.

   I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.

   I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   Cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who the fock am I kidding....I'm watching ESPN and having a beer(s)

   Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

   We have just enough Religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

   And then it hit me... For years we have had the "#2", "drop a deuce", "talk to a man about a dog" and "drop the kids off at the pool"... Now I proudly introduce... "Hey guys, brb... I gotta go bury a Bin Laden."

   if I can't be skinny....then please make all my friends fat!!

   when I die at my funeral I want to be dressed like I was when I was born , butt naked !!! open bar for the lads , open coffin for the ladies !!

   things could be worse ya know....Sex COULD be fattening!

   I'm like a rubix cube the more you play with me the harder I get!!

   battery operated boyfriend is the best man I ever known! does what I tell him and hums while he does it