Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better... 
It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...
daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.
Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!
The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.
What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.
Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!
OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?
When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable
What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time
Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love
That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!
Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.
I want to start a Go Fund Me account to sponsor any Coronavirus infectious people to pay them to go hug a politician
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.
Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first. 