Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just like CVS, I too can be your Plan B on Valentine’s Day for $48

   anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

   If a trip to Golden Corral doesn't make you pro-choice, nothing will.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is too short. But shout it to them in Russian, because life is also extremely terrifying and very confusing.

   Bernie Sanders endorcing Hillary Clinton feels so much like when the girl you love starts dating the guy you hate most.

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Happy 18th birthday Google. You can officially go to a titty bar G ( . ) ( . ) G L E👍

   Doesn't matter who the public votes for president, it's up to the electoral college! get over it people

   If I see you playing drums on your steering wheel I will roll down my window, whip out my air trombone and rock with you. Rules are rules.

   sticking my head in the freezer to warm up!

   The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line...

   We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.

   In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.

   So who's up for some Dublin penetration on this woderful St. Paddy's Day?