Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if climate summits could be the cure for the dreaded swine flu. The epidemic seems to have totally disappeared since Copenhagen started...

   a justification for procrastination. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.

   Relationships are poor ships to sail in

   Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.

   According to the Jersey Shore in order for me to become a successful Italian-American woman I must first nationally televise myself having sex with multipal men, drink alcohol like H20 and swear like Lisa Lampanelli. Where the FU*K can I get a contract!?

   addiction takes commitment

   They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.

   all for the paperless office, but doesn't think it should stretch to the toilets...

   taking a mental vacation...Her body is here but her mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water, sunshine and a cold drink.

   Life Is A Great Learning Book But Without CONTENTS !

   seen some miniature american flags for sale today, said made in china, classic!

   thinks Bill Nye should figure out how to plug up the oil

   am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better...

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...