Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always feel awkward sitting around waiting for people to show up. That's why I'm always late. I don't care if you're late, just be less late than me.

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   frolicking in the meadow over yonder.

   your pickup line just made me decide to change teams

   When I “rage against the machine” the machine is usually a printer.

   wonders if climate summits could be the cure for the dreaded swine flu. The epidemic seems to have totally disappeared since Copenhagen started...

   a justification for procrastination. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.

   Relationships are poor ships to sail in

   Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.

   According to the Jersey Shore in order for me to become a successful Italian-American woman I must first nationally televise myself having sex with multipal men, drink alcohol like H20 and swear like Lisa Lampanelli. Where the FU*K can I get a contract!?

   addiction takes commitment

   They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.

   all for the paperless office, but doesn't think it should stretch to the toilets...

   Just because I'm not answering, doesn't mean I'm not listening.

   taking a mental vacation...Her body is here but her mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water, sunshine and a cold drink.

   Life Is A Great Learning Book But Without CONTENTS !

   seen some miniature american flags for sale today, said made in china, classic!

   thinks Bill Nye should figure out how to plug up the oil

   am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

   If a trip to Golden Corral doesn't make you pro-choice, nothing will.