Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."