Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.