Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I can finally use that one watch I never figured out how to adjust

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   I feel most at one with my phone when I can see that it's desperately searching too.

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   My three unwritten rules : 1. 2. 3.

   It really isn't a good idea to be left with your own thoughts. I just had a long discussion with myself. We both agreed

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.

   I keep pictures of all of you in my wallet.

   We can sense paranoia and we are coming for you.

   I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

   I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.

   Funny Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"