Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.

   Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!

   Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, we pray about it and blame the devil.

   When someone tells you to hang on, but you hang up because you didn’t want to talk to them anyway.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   Dear June, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything and keep your mouth shut.

   Life is like soccer, you can either use your head or use a good swift kick.

   Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

   Tried to hide a pill in a block of cheese and my dog suddenly became Gordon Ramsey.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   Trying to add up the media’s stories for today and it came to 5317. Now, flip your calculator upside-down and read it.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   Between the price of ammo, gas and lumber, being a Redneck is getting expensive.

   Al Capone did less damage to Chicago than Lori Lightfoot.

   When you find out he can cook, has correct grammar and runs a meme page. (next thing I knew, I was pregnant)

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.