Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Midgets got 99 problems, but an inch ain't one.

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   My lack of understanding does not compensate for your intelligence. Wait, what?

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

   Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.

   i can not take away your storms of life but I can help you dance through the puddles!!!

   Sometimes being a good friend just means being a good listener...

   Lets Just call MacGyver out of retirement to fix the BP oil leak and call it a day!

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   Has anyone ever noticed how on the facebook homepage before you log in, it looks as if the whole world is connected but Hawaii is not on there? I guess they dont have facebook

   People always mean 50% of what they say when they are joking. "You are 200% idiot!" Don't get angry, I was joking!

   I don't know if I'm liking this "new facebook" but I guess that's what we all said when we left myspace. It's weird how FB keeps changing stuff and it eventually becomes 'normal'. Still no dislike button though.

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   Getting really sick of making my own sandwiches

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~

   Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great... I know this is too much for you, so here is a shortcut - Just think about me.

   I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.