Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

   The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop

   Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

   Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....