Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.

   HELP WANTED: Neck trapped in the sleeve again.

   My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.

   A woman drove me to drinking.. I wish she'd had left me her number, now I need a ride home.

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   If by picnic you mean eating inside at a restaurant not swatting insects then yes, yes, I'll join you for a picnic.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?..........Mark Sanchez

   I prefer the unfiltered version of a person.

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

   So where are all the Clown Rights groups? #ClownLivesMatter

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

   To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom