Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.

   Windows installed an entire continent on my computer. When it finished, it told me "Europe to date."

   My farts don't stink & are silent... So! I went to see a doc, Long story short, I've got a hearing & sinus problem.

   huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

   I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   Schools getting cancelled left n right indefinitely? At this rate, I feel sorry for Classof2020 our babies gonna graduate on FaceTime

   I think Facebook should change What's on your mind? To What's on your mind, besides the Coronavirus?

   Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing mask and gloves. Now you all out here looking like you wanna be starting something.

   Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam

   Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   In a world full of coronavirus, I wanna be your sanitizer

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain !!!👿 Wife: Well aren't you gonna say something ? Me : Not my turn to use the brain.😜

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

   During the quarantine we got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than Howie Mandel