Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's national nude day, grand marnier day, hot dog day and tape measure day. Time to get drunk and measure them wieners.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.

   Speakers tomorrow night at the GOP Convention include Erin Moran, Burt Ward from "Batman" and the dude that played Urkel. ‪#‎starpower‬

   Remember when we willingly bought mustard color clothes?

   When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham."

   Only god, my parents, the court system, our government, my coworkers, that cute starbucks guy, and the rest of the world can judge me....

   Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.

   HELP WANTED: Neck trapped in the sleeve again.

   My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.

   A woman drove me to drinking.. I wish she'd had left me her number, now I need a ride home.

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   If by picnic you mean eating inside at a restaurant not swatting insects then yes, yes, I'll join you for a picnic.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?..........Mark Sanchez

   I prefer the unfiltered version of a person.

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

   So where are all the Clown Rights groups? #ClownLivesMatter

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”