Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Myspace has invaded Facebook > Facebook Movie...

   I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.

   I bet the first guy to get his woman flowers was like, "What's something that'll start out beautiful, but quickly die like my relationship?"

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.

   "I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   Consider this Diem Carped.....

   The number 867-5309 has been disconnected .

   If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....

   I'm almost certain that any one of us born between 1975-1983 could potentially be one of Burt Reynolds children.

   I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.

   The three men who carried out Tuesday’s deadly attack on Istanbul’s Ataturk airport were all from parts of the former USSR, Turkish sources say.

   5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low.

   Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.