Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   Consider this Diem Carped.....

   The number 867-5309 has been disconnected .

   If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....

   I'm almost certain that any one of us born between 1975-1983 could potentially be one of Burt Reynolds children.

   I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.

   The three men who carried out Tuesday’s deadly attack on Istanbul’s Ataturk airport were all from parts of the former USSR, Turkish sources say.

   5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low.

   Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.

   It's national nude day, grand marnier day, hot dog day and tape measure day. Time to get drunk and measure them wieners.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.

   Speakers tomorrow night at the GOP Convention include Erin Moran, Burt Ward from "Batman" and the dude that played Urkel. ‪#‎starpower‬

   Remember when we willingly bought mustard color clothes?

   When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham."

   Only god, my parents, the court system, our government, my coworkers, that cute starbucks guy, and the rest of the world can judge me....