Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.

   Mom don't worry, we were in rehab together.

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...

   .... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.

   Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.

   Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.

   Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted.

   Maybe it's not alcoholism. Maybe it's just stress intervention.

   Canadian Birthday Traditions: Apologizing for the candles being so hot.

   2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.

   Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.

   .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.

   Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.

   Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets