Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.

   I'll punch you and take your taco.

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool

   If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.

   I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

   I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.

   Mom don't worry, we were in rehab together.

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...

   .... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.

   Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.

   Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.

   Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted.