Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that’s trying to kill them.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   yes I have a dirty mind, and you are in it…

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   Wimbledon 2014 - My wife is a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I promised her I will stop.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   Hold on bro, let me turn this cassette over

   Welcome to The Antisocial Club Now besides me, who else doesn't want to be here?

   I like animal puns. They make me laugh until I am horse.

   Trust me ...... I can't believe I'm still here either.

   Life is more fun when you are on coffee or drunk.

   anyone who sleeps without having one leg out of the covers is a threat to the national security of this country

   I gave my wife a couple of credit cards and now my credit score is lower than the speed limit

   Ravens fans, What's does excitement and happiness feel like? Curious Redskins fan.

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   I feel like I'm currently in hell's waiting room.

   I think my neighbors are starting to get somewhat jaded.. No one even questioned me making snow angels. Tomorrow I'm doing it in a clown suit while playing the bag pipes.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing a role in society.