Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   Anybody wanna come and drink dinner with me?

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   I think my mind has lost me.

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.