Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   Just checking, I heard a loud pop and thought you may have pulled your head out of your a$$.

   Old Turkish Proverb: “When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus.”

   Thinking is hard, perhaps you should leave that to your betters.

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   It’s been “one of those days,” for like 3 years now.

   How she looks at you when she wants the carrot. ~ Mr. Rabbit

   April Fool’s Day was suspended this year due to all the unbelievable crap going on in the world right now.

   White Claw tastes like a canned fart.

   Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush, they can smell fear.

   Do you think that sand is called sand because it’s between the sea and the land?

   We're much safer from the climate because we're richer: Climate expert

   I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

   Pretty sure we’re at that point in the game where everyone just rolls the dice in quiet disgust while waiting to be completely wiped out.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky, then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my 20's

   Movie Theater: No outside food or drinks. Me: Burger King Whopper and fries jammed in my coat pocket.

   Busch beer came out with a bone broth beer for dogs. I’m in!