Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself.

   "never on schedule, but always on time."

   Making fun of Courtney Love is like shooting Heroin in a barrel.

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   Many personality flaws are now treatable mental illnesses... My insurance denied me coverage, apparently being an @sshole is a preexisting condition.

   Thomas Kinkade was arrested for drunk driving...I wonder how long until he releases his new painting, "lights through the jailhouse window"?

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   Women are better at hiding cheating, Men are better at Cheating.

   What is up with this Guiltless CheeseCake... How do we now what the CheeseCake is thinking?

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   Age will never matter when it comes to laziness. I still wish I could shoot magic out of my finger to get things done.

   Last night some girl told me she couldn't talk to me while I was texting. I told her "That's the point."

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   i find myself trying to like text messages..wtf?

   Wow !!!!!! this is the oldest i've ever been, I fell Great..... Just out ran the kid next door to the ice cream truck, so what if he's only 10, i've still got something left in the old tank... It's a good day, a really good day!!!!

   i m dissapointment in your grammer

   The snooze button is life's way of saying that waking up sucks.

   I can rise, and I can shine... I just can't do both at the same time.