Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it

   Ice cream conversations.. They all want the scoop!

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   The devil is not in Georgia today unless he teamed up with the Iceman.

   It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

   I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself.

   "never on schedule, but always on time."

   Making fun of Courtney Love is like shooting Heroin in a barrel.

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   Many personality flaws are now treatable mental illnesses... My insurance denied me coverage, apparently being an @sshole is a preexisting condition.

   Thomas Kinkade was arrested for drunk driving...I wonder how long until he releases his new painting, "lights through the jailhouse window"?

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   Women are better at hiding cheating, Men are better at Cheating.

   What is up with this Guiltless CheeseCake... How do we now what the CheeseCake is thinking?

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   Age will never matter when it comes to laziness. I still wish I could shoot magic out of my finger to get things done.