Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is a very complicated drinking game.

   I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.

   How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.

   Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

   I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared, but screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.

   When one of my friends leave I say "Stay Gold Ponyboy" and they just stare at me because they don't have no idea what I'm talking about.

   Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee.

   You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.

   Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

   Sundays: Kinda wanna workout, kinda wanna eat loaded cheese fries, kinda wanna nap for five days, kinda wanna get my life together by 2:39 pm on Thursday.

   I can't wait to get my tax return this year so I can afford a much better accountant.

   Questions To Ask Coworkers/Friends Every Friday: What do you mean I'm crazy? Have the unicorns been spreading vicious ugly rumors about me again?

   Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday.

   When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

   Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.

   I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

   I need an Instagram filter that makes me look smart as well as cute.

   My superpower is to scrutinize my husband's driving decisions until he questions his will to live.

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.