Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so many disposable cameras

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try,,, So I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

   Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   Who needs television when there is so much drama election on Facebook.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   I would eat more tofu if it was an animal.

   My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work

   If Batman and Catwoman had a baby, would it be Batcat, or Manwoman?

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.