Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D

   I just found something that will put you to sleep, The OJ Simpson hearing

   [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.

   There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.