Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.