Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.