lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.