Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie