Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....

   Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.

   Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.

   its not very often I act my age but when I do its fcuking boring !!

   Wonders if Jay Z ever addressed the 99 other problems he had.

   The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.

   North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...

   it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.

   Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.

   Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

   Please remember that daylight savings is in one month so you can complain about it on Facebook.

   Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   so many disposable cameras

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.