Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.

   Of course I play volleyball. In fact I’m very good at it. Just give me the damn racket and I show yow you...

   Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.

   Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.

   And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."

   Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   I can't believe Carrot Tops career is so bad he has to climb Trump Tower with a bag full of props.....

   We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.

   SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.

   Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.

   If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.

   A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."

   Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.

   My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.

   Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."

   You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.