snotty Funny Status Messages

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.