Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.

   The computer just crashed and erased all the work I didn't do this morning.

   I am imperfection perfected.

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.

   I'm a whole new breed of special.

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.