lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Sold it on EBay. Made a tidy little profit.

   This day is going so well..ill give it 10/10/10!

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Imagine how much fun women in burkas must have tagging each other on Facebook.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.

   God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   This Halloween, I'll be handing out those little tiny candy bars. I think they're called bite-me sized.

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of her sandwich.