Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What happened to you?

   At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".

   "Chillax" ironicly the most irritating word known to man.

   My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

   ........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   Happy 70th, Donald. Don't forget to take a little time out to think about yourself today. Oh and make sure you get some cake before Chris Christie gets there!

   Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on, all girls are depressed right now.

   this fat free dinner taste like sadness!

   There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.

   Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?

   I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.

   Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...

   Enjoy your morning, if I am not back in a couple of hours, send a search party and what I mean by party is.. bring beer. . .