Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.

   Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...

   I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."

   The reason guys don't have problems with underarm fat? We were born with shake weights already attached

   beer: the reason I get up every afternoon..

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.

   ...and buying sushi from 7-11 wasn't even the worst I made decision today

   Running with scissors. Take that society.

   polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole

   I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.

   Went to Walmart today. Now I know why lions eat their young.

   Wow! She has a nice pair of golden globes!!

   sticks and stones my break my bones, but...ahhhh he!! what did you just say B!t@h! ?

   so old that I can remember when colonel sanders was a private

   70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics.

   going to let you be the judge...and I'm the case

   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. I just did 15 push ups. True story!