Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone ever tells you that you're putting too much peanut butter on your bread, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

   Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

   Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around...hang on...if there are 99, why can't I have my own?

   If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.

   How is it there is a D in fridge but not in refrigerator

   .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

   Gonna strap a snowblower on my car roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

   If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons and banner on your mailbox.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   The movie demolition man, is coming true.

   Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.