Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parole board: Are you ready to return to society? OJ: I'm ready to take a stab at it.

   Whole Foods should change their name to Whole Paycheck...

   Taylor Swift should have grabbed that microphone from Kanye and said "Sorry, but Martin Luther King Jr. had the best speech of all time."

   No matter who wins, the US still loses. Neither of them are fit to be president.

   If evolution is real why are there still monkeys? If Google is real why are there still people asking stupid questions?

   The Russians are gonna blackmail Trump w/ a "golden showers" tape? Trump must be PISSED!

   Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.

   Does back-pedalling burn a lot of calories. If so, Trump and Spicer will have six pack abs by the end of today.

   Several Russian prostitutes seen headed to Trump Golf Course in Virginia today for "meetings".

   What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??

   I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.

   Truth doesn’t matter when you just vote for your team regardless of their integrity.

   Black Wives Fatter

   Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

   WAl Mart needs to teach those 7 year kids in China how to make better products

   Love is like the sweetest, most delicious gourmet cupcake laced with arsenic.

   I'm just a girl. A girl who is standing before a man who is standing before another woman in front of another man at Taco Bell.

   RIP Batman 1939 - Ben Affleck

   Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.