Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs are like unruly kids. The people who live with them love 'em. But they annoy the heII out of the rest of us.

   What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??

   Black Wives Fatter

   Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

   WAl Mart needs to teach those 7 year kids in China how to make better products

   Love is like the sweetest, most delicious gourmet cupcake laced with arsenic.

   I'm just a girl. A girl who is standing before a man who is standing before another woman in front of another man at Taco Bell.

   RIP Batman 1939 - Ben Affleck

   Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   Technically, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet or microwavable. There isn't food in the house.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   When her thoughts are dirtier than your thoughts don't ever let her go.

   I wanna be the reason you realize your husband is really not that bad.

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   *Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO you MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE you KNOWN

   Life must suck for the reporters that have to report on the Justin Bieber n-word story...

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?