Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to point out that playing violent video games never did me any harm (not so sure about those people buried under the deck, though)

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   Beer goggles are a myth. Alcohol doesn't make ugly girls look prettier. It just makes you not care that they are ugly.

   Oh, I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   I'm blessed and highly favored! Just thought I should remind you all.

   wondering what the hell is a party rocker? Any WHY are they in my house tonight??

   A true pervert can tell always tell you about the hottest centerfold that he has ever come across.

   geez, I'm guessing from all the depressing posts on FB that it's "that time of the month"

   setting the temperature of his room to "room temperature". It seems to be the best temperature for his room.

   Apparently CVS is going green. I just bought a roll of toilet paper and my receipt was only 37 inches long... I should have just bought a pack of gum and saved my receipt for... umm... ...nevermind.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

   Well, if you learn from your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.

   word of the day: nincomtard

   Dear current rock music, put up or Shut Up. love, Classic Rock

   but the bigger question is the pilot of the french fighter jet that fired on Quadafi's tank....Did he immediately land and surrender to its crew?

   Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.

   I'm not cranky.. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people..

   everybody is entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong they may be.

   Just had the seating-plan through for Gerry Rafferty's funeral. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.:

   Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of w