Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rapture tip : Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn't want a hug ... she wants your brains

   Well for Casey Anthony.... first is the book deals....then the movie deals....who said crime doesnt pay

   When you believe in success, you've already succeeded...

   'Everyday I'm shufflin!' Wait no, except on Fridays. I gotta get down on Fridays.

   Wondering if people will start looking at pictures of the moon in 'natural color' and not 'greyscale or B+W' like NASA has been showing us for 50+ years and realize a secret so profound, it will change the course of mankind forever...

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.

   would like to point out that playing violent video games never did me any harm (not so sure about those people buried under the deck, though)

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   Beer goggles are a myth. Alcohol doesn't make ugly girls look prettier. It just makes you not care that they are ugly.

   Oh, I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   I'm blessed and highly favored! Just thought I should remind you all.

   wondering what the hell is a party rocker? Any WHY are they in my house tonight??

   A true pervert can tell always tell you about the hottest centerfold that he has ever come across.

   geez, I'm guessing from all the depressing posts on FB that it's "that time of the month"

   setting the temperature of his room to "room temperature". It seems to be the best temperature for his room.

   Apparently CVS is going green. I just bought a roll of toilet paper and my receipt was only 37 inches long... I should have just bought a pack of gum and saved my receipt for... umm... ...nevermind.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

   Well, if you learn from your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.

   word of the day: nincomtard

   Dear current rock music, put up or Shut Up. love, Classic Rock