sean Funny Status Messages

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.