Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Mike Hunt has crabs

   The only time he messing with you is at night? Bi!ch, you’re dating a bedbug.

   It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

   If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   Never let a recipe tell you how much cheese to put in. Measure it with your heart.

   Everything okay, Babe? You’ve barely touched your shrimpizza.

   Nothing beats a good mistake.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   Mike Hunt is juicy

   Little boy: Daddy, do trees poop? Dad: Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   Gas Pump: Do you want a receipt? Me: No, I’d rather forget this.

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   “The real president is whoever controls the teleprompter.” ~ Elon Musk

   Garlic bread takes any meal from a 3 to a solid 10.