Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

   Disney’s favorability collapses from 77% to 33% in one year. Boom!

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   When there are no police, most crimes will carry the death penalty.

   I’m a well-rounded friend, I’m down for whatever. Coffee date, protesting corruption, gym sesh, bible study, busting a cheater, shooting range, just call me.

   Punishable by fine means legal for a price.

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Mike Hunt has crabs

   The only time he messing with you is at night? Bi!ch, you’re dating a bedbug.

   It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

   If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   Never let a recipe tell you how much cheese to put in. Measure it with your heart.

   Everything okay, Babe? You’ve barely touched your shrimpizza.

   Nothing beats a good mistake.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   Mike Hunt is juicy

   Little boy: Daddy, do trees poop? Dad: Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.