Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!

   I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.

   HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD…. Well, it's not actually a manual. It's only 3 sentences…. The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?

   Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!

   Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

   My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?

   After a complete high school education, the things Jimmy Neutron says don't sound all that impressive anymore.

   think it "Has Bin" a Blast!

   I found the iPad 3 announcement especially disappointing because I'm still standing in line for my iPad 2.

   if you're on a blind date and they ask if you're into furry handcuffs, and then admit they sometimes wet the bed... playing possum may not be your best choice of escape

   shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

   Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

   Hey Obama, get your head out of your a$$, and start protecting the American people.