Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Neighbors state that old McDonald "had" a farm and the last time anyone saw him he was screaming vowels into the air. Back to you, Jen.

   National meatball day. A day in the honor of David Dennison

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?