Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Fun fact: the tiny island of Tonga is one of the very first areas in the world to celebrate the New Year.

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   Super bowl sunday is now also known as Janet Jackson appreciation day.

   I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.