Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan? 
My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.
Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.
He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!
I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.
HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD….
Well, it's not actually a manual.
It's only 3 sentences….
The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.
Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?
Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still
Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
1987 was a great year for the payphone.
My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops
Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation. 