Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.

   ’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

   Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

   Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.