Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.

   My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

   Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.

   Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related

   On Facebook friends are like "My life is beautiful! Everything is so fantastic I can hardly contain myself!" But in real life when you ask them how they're doing they're like "okay"

   I've never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

   when is it too late to have a baby shower ? cause my mama never had one when she was pregnant with me & I need some clothes

   INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference

   I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   New year, new me *finally fixes that plate thing in the microwave so it rotates*

   I'm so old I remember when writing on walls used to be considered a punishment.

   Was texting the wife this morning from work and Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.