Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   I just saw the trailer for the upcoming motion picture "Exodus". I guess guy-liner was the thing in ancient Egyptian times.

   PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome.

   Did anyone ever have a nightmare where your smart phone gets destroyed... and then you wake up? Best feeling ever.

   I never heard of her either. Amanda who ?

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   If had more than zero payday loans, you're doing it wrong...

   When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.

   Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

   My wife takes my paycheck & gives me an allowance. She should run for public office.

   ..... You know I suck at planning for the future when my entire retirement plan consists of buying two Powerball tickets every week ....

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body get weak and hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm unfit.

   To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.