Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   If had more than zero payday loans, you're doing it wrong...

   When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.

   Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

   My wife takes my paycheck & gives me an allowance. She should run for public office.

   ..... You know I suck at planning for the future when my entire retirement plan consists of buying two Powerball tickets every week ....

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body get weak and hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm unfit.

   To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.

   ’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

   Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

   Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it