Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.

   A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   Uber: Our drivers will use fake vomit to charge passengers for cleaning fees.

   Cinnamon flavored whiskey...is that what the junior high girls are drinking these days?

   I like my women, how I like my laptop, on my lap, turned on & virus free.

   I'm kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few drinks on St. Patrick's Day.

   Each time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   Marry someone with a great personality. Looks fade away but boredom doesn't.

   I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

   If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.

   One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

   The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

   The Queen has out lived the Prince

   It's the end of his purple reign. R.I.P.Prince.