Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”