Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found a real use for a selfie stick.. 6 feet back motherfuckers

   Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?

   I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

   Babysitter rates going up when this things over!

   when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

   Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

   Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   Don't you hate it when you're angry for a certain reason, and someone makes you smile. It's just.... just... I'M TRYING TO BE ANGRY DAMMIT.

   've got a pretty good pre-rapture music mix going: "End of the World as We Know It," Jackson Browne's "Disco Apocalypse" and "Before the Deluge." And, of course, "Stairway to Heaven." Any other suggestions?

   The best way to make somebody remember you is,borrow money from them..

   There is nothing wrong with saying no every once in awhile. It may piss a few people off but at least you will have some piece of mind!

   Hide and seek undefeated Champion, Osama Bin Laden 2001-2011!

   Say "Hi!" to Saddam for us, Bin Laden.

   When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   It's International Womens Day ... thank you women... if it were'nt for women 1/2 of us wouldn't be here.......what? ....