Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

   Just turned in an assignment on hookers and blow. This organized crime class is the best.

   If I say "1-2-3-and to the 4" and you don't respond "Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at tha door"....I guess we never really knew each other.

   The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.

   Thousands of Clown sightings all across the Nation, The candidates running for President. Yes, this is clearly and definitely ... The Year of the Clown.

   Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.

   Try to repeal the19th amendment and we'll pass the 28th amendment where you have to eat all our pussies before you can buy beer.

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   The early bird gets the worm some coffee because he's nice.

   A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

   My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry

   The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...

   Never trust a woman born on her birthday

   *My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”