Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...