Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   The App is called Tic Toc; because every video you watch is a reminder of why humanity is running out of time.

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   How can you stand for woman’s rights while allowing men to dominate woman’s sports?

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.