Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   The App is called Tic Toc; because every video you watch is a reminder of why humanity is running out of time.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

   Disney’s favorability collapses from 77% to 33% in one year. Boom!

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   When there are no police, most crimes will carry the death penalty.

   I’m a well-rounded friend, I’m down for whatever. Coffee date, protesting corruption, gym sesh, bible study, busting a cheater, shooting range, just call me.

   Punishable by fine means legal for a price.

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Mike Hunt has crabs