Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Really miss the days when the biggest scandal was that Trump drank water with two hands and ate chicken with a fork.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   The App is called Tic Toc; because every video you watch is a reminder of why humanity is running out of time.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.