Funny Status Messages
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...Dear Katy Perry: there were girls around with nice boobs before you were born. there will be girls around with nice boobs after you die. get over yourself, please. 
Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.
playing Call of Booty
lol, Any of you morons ever hear of snopes? Stop hating on Pepsi....
The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.
We tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is it's not our loss, it's theirs. They left the one person in the world who would never give up on them.
I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible
┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night...@
What if birds are just out of control napkins.
I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather probably because it's safer to harass rich women than Hell's Angels
If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.
According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady
The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.
With the price of eggs this year, we're not dying eggs for Easter. We're dying Cheerios.
Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.
There are no Puerto-Ricans on Star Trek...It appears they don't work in the future either........
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...
Stop Ignoring the Signs of the New World Order 