Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   In 1813 Women had no rights. In 1913 women had some rights. In 2013 women think they're always right.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   I just bought the "Best of 2 Pac” CD and it's blank.

   Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   Found On Sale At Walmart: Hillary's Wall Street speeches, only $249,999.99 each.

   Everyone is an atheist until you drop their baby....

   It took him 5 seconds to talk about Mexico and China. *sigh*

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

   I don’t need the Government to run my life. I can screw it up all by myself.