Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.

   Just say Donald Trump's 2015 tax return. He made $38,000 in salary and extra $2 billion in pre-taxed "tips".

   Grandma told me good girls always eat a banana with a knife and folk

   The Pentagon now allows Transgenders to serve in the military and get free sex changes ..... Heck .... Apparently you really can be All you can be!

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)

   .... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.

   Back in my day we had Presidential Candidates that acually believed in the Constitution. Nowadays they can't even spell the freakin' word.

   Sorry kids .... Bernie and Hillary are not really Pokemon Go characters

   BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.

   "I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.

   You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.

   Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.

   rip willy wonka