Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...

   I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.

   The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers

   Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."

   Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee* Therapist: You’re late again Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

   Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

   “I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020

   Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

   I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

   I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...

   Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.

   Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.

   Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.